Love Vs. Lust —-The inner war before marriage

Finding love in a world full of lust and desire. Is it possible to find a love in a world that is full of lust? Is it possible to tell the difference between the two when time comes? Does Sikhism approve of love? The youth of today struggle to tell the difference between love and lust. The answer lies in the person you “love”, in you and your family.

It is important to explore the person you love first because it’s based on them you make the decision to pursue this love/lust relationship. The moment you your heart sends your brain the signal that you’re in love, let your brain take over. Don’t tell anyone anything, not even the person you love, that you are in love. When you see this person forget the fact you love them. Spend time with them, look at them carefully. Observe them for all their bad habits (and yes they do have them, we all have them), and observe your initial reaction. If the initial reaction is “I am sure we can change that” or “I can live with that, I will just ignore it, everyone has little quirks about them”, then just back off. When you want to change someone it becomes lust, not love. Love is acceptance.

Acceptance of the person whom you love and the acceptance of yourself as you are. When you see someone you think is perfect for you, you go out of your way to become perfect for them but in the process you lose who you were and thus making the person no longer perfect for you. The person you love and think is perfect for you, is only perfect as long as you remain the same; the moment you change, the perfection changes with you. That is not to say you shouldn’t change yourself for the person you love, you should. But the change has to come from within and for you, yourself. If the change is not for yourself, the moment something isn’t right in the relationship, the change card gets played. Accusations are made of changing for one another, only to realize you never were too asked to change. The change becomes resentful and makes relationship go sour. Love is not changing; it is accepting and its remaining faithful.

Faithful to yourself, the person you love and the people that were in your life before the person you love came along. It’s not love when you dessert the current people in your life, for the person that has just come. If you can’t be faithful to those people, how can you be faithful to the person that has just come? What is to say, you won’t move on when something better comes along? Love is not about moving on from your past, it’s about moving with your past. You can never hurt your parents, if you are in love. Instead you try all means possible to lovingly show how much your love means to you. Listen to what they have to say; parents aren’t the enemies. It is important to help parents understand what you feel is love, not lust. Lust is the only reason they stop you because they don’t want you in a relationship based on lust. So show them your love, listen to what they have to say and sit with them to decide about your relationship. Love brings togetherness, lust brings separation.

Create a lasting relationship based on love by bring together your past and your future. Sikhism, in my opinion, does not frown upon any relationship based on love because love is pure. Because love is pure it is not kam (lust), thus not forbidden by Sikhism. The reason love is frowned upon by most Sikhs from Punjab is because most love these days is based on Kam, thus not pure. The older Sikhs just don’t want the younger generation so tied up in Kam that they lose site of the right path, of Waheguru.

Acceptance and faith together will keep you away from kam when you fall in love.  If you can’t see faith and acceptance in your relationship, it is best distance yourself from it. Waheguru comes before kam. Rise above Kam; you’ll find yourself closer to Waheguru and true love.

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2 Responses to Love Vs. Lust —-The inner war before marriage

  1. T. St. Amant says:

    Maybe it’s a gender difference between you and I that causes me to see the subject from almost the opposite end of the spectrum . . . I’m going to weigh in with my opinions, for the sake of balancing concepts. I hope you don’t mind . . .

    First, deciphering the difference between love and lust should be something one does BEFORE the time comes. A person should be attempting to understand body, mind and emotions as soon as dichotomies arise and there are questions in the mind about what is being felt and thought.

    It’s my experience that women don’t generally lust after men . . . shoes? Yes, of course, but men? No, except perhaps the celebrity star goofy kind of infatuation stuff of girl fluff.

    Women do that mental checklist that you suggest, right from the start. This is not ‘love’. This is setting criteria for what is good enough for ‘me’ and that is self-interest and love is not self-interested. I’m not saying this isn’t an important factor in the game. No one should marry a person that is incompatible, but marrying someone only because they meet the ego’s list of desirable assets will make little difference in whether the married couple will be able to manage personality differences.

    Lust is always self-interested. That’s the #1 indicator. Whether you see a prospective mate as ‘perfect’ for you or in need of some work, the lust is in thinking that whatever they are and whoever they are is an asset to acquire for yourself.

    To understand how loving a prospective mate CAN include a desire for them to change, let’s take a global approach and consider how we feel about humanity. We don’t like war, famine, disease. We wish these things were not a part of humanity, but not because we, ourselves, are at war, hungry or sick, but because others are.

    It’s the same with a marriage prospect. You can look at them and think, ‘You know, I wish you were a little more (add positive asset that would be beneficial to THEM and you, by association). Now, love, is a willingness to associate with them, even if they aren’t yet all that they could be. Love is perceiving the potential of a person, recognizing their struggle to achieve that potential and doing your part to help them in their own efforts to grow toward that. Love accepts them even though they don’t always win in the struggle to become a better person. NOTE: if there is a single criteria that should be used to make or break the love deal, it’s whether the marriage prospect has the will and applies the effort to become the unique ideal being they were born to be.

    Here’s where love gets tricky and you noted it too. When a person is in love, they automatically move into self-improvement mode because love energizes and motivates. How long this energy is sustained in a person who is in love is a question I cannot answer. Yet, I would say that a couple months, or even a couple years is still not long enough to judge. I know why it is not permanent. . . it’s not infinite love, it’s not Divine Love and it’s not 100% unconditional love. . . it’s tainted with human love, which is self-interested and therefore ‘lust’.

    If, however, someone is committed to self-improvement and is totally in love and devotion with the Creator and His creation, then love is sustained indefinitely, infinitely . . . no matter what is and no matter what will be. My advice to anyone is they get some of that, if they have the good fortune to have it come into their life! If not, then I suggest that they apply themselves to making that kind of love and forget about the other kind.

    Ok, that’s my view, but you are still very much entitled to your own.

    Chardi Kala,

  2. Miss Kaur says:

    I find both the article and the above response to be equivalently sensible!!! Glad I read!

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