Waheguru Ji gives us many gifts and it is up to us how we view them and live with them. Waheguru Ji blessed me out of the blue with the ability to write and then he put in my head what I am to write about. So really it’s not about me because Waheguru Ji handles everything from the concept, words and giving me time to pen it down. I know it’s not me but still as I write I go through doubt, inspiration and then inflated ego.
Am I actually doing what Waheguru Ji wants me to do by writing and making it available to everyone? I am not worthy; I don’t do enough Naam Simran and Path. The people reading my articles occasionally question me on why I write if I don’t have enough Nitnem, and have not taken Amrit. They ask whether I am in position to advice or say anything about Guru Ji. Then the doubts set in, why am I writing? Why doesn’t my mind stop thinking about writing? Then for some days I tell Waheguru Ji I am not going to write, I will write when I have taken Amrit and do more path. I tell Waheguru Ji I am not worthy to please make my mind from constantly talking to Him about what needs to be said or written. I go into a depression of sorts telling myself I am not worthy to write.
Then Waheguru Ji blesses me with much praise from people that read my articles and encourages me to write. He seems to take my work from one place to another without even me realizing it. That makes me think He must want me to do this, He wants me to write. That’s why He is making it grow so big that I can’t avoid it. I leave my doubts and just write and write. Every time I someone makes me doubt I remind them I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose from writing; it’s a seva. As I read the positive feedback and argue with the people that bring doubt in me, I fill with ego and pride. For a while I forget that it’s not me, it was never me writing these articles. I fill with ego and think it’s just me and how I want to write even better and get more praise. I drown myself in the ocean of ego.
Drowning in ego I try to write the next article but I am unable to grasp onto any inspiration. My mind drowned in ego is unable to hear Waheguru Ji as He instructs me on my next article. For days I willow in misery about being unable to write and then I go running to Guru Granth Sahib Ji and beg for forgiveness. I admit my faults and my false ego and ask for help to write or to move on with my life without writing. Waheguru Ji once again starts inspiring me to write by taking over and instructing me. He helps me write and I try to keep far from ego by always remembering Him when I am praised and giving Him the credit he deserves. As long as I live in His remembrance He narrates and I write, the moment I forget I become nobody.
Going through phases of self-doubt, inflated-ego and lack of inspiration, I learn to value Waheguru Ji. Waheguru Ji gives everyone talent but we are only able to recognize it as long as we live in His remembrance. I still go through doubt and ego but I keep repeating that I am no one without Waheguru Ji and He helps me overcome. In remembrance of Waheguru Ji all is well.